checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
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