Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
