bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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