Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
