The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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