shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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