I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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