So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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