Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
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6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
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I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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