doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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