you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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