Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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