my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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