I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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