I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
