Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
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I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
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All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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