i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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