Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
