I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
