Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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