trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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