there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
