i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
