So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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