the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
