She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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