Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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