So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
