I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
