my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
