I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Pappa wants mamma naked
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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