It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
