you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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