i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
