I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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