i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
