I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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