I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
