My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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