Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
