i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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