i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
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