I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He passed out mid-signature
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
