Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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