If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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