I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
