Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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