i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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