i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
