Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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