at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
